On my first day of first grade, my dad took me to school. I think at least part of the reason was that he and my mom felt I would respond obediently when he said, “Go take a seat.”
No such luck.
When we got to the classroom door, I hid behind his leg and despite Mrs. Sykes’ exhortations to come on in, I abjectly refused. To me, she spoke in the voice of the spider telling the fly to come into the parlor.
“Look,” dad said. “There’s Sloan. Go sit by Sloan.” And Sloan was there alright with an empty desk beside her. But on this day, even the girl who would be my heart-throb in later years…later months… actually days … could not entice me into that room.
Realizing the futility in the effort, dad whirled around and Frankenstein walked back up the hallway with me tightly attached to his leg.
That was my first experience with belly-tingling distress.
While distress is an emotion, it has a direct impact on the body and can result in physical issues like an upset stomach, especially in children. The combination of emotional and physical adversity can havoc on student achievement.
1. Emphasize the fact that safety measures are in place.
Remind your children that the schools have done months of planning to minimize risk. Your children can be active in their own safety by washing hands and coughing or sneezing into their elbow.
2. Facilitate bonding with the other kids.
Kids need to feel bonded with at least one other child. Ask the teacher if she’s noticed who your child is hanging with. Ask your child which kids she’d like to invite over to play.
3. Give your child a way to hold onto you during the day.
For many kids, the biggest challenge is saying goodbye to you. You might put a laminated picture of the family in their backpack. Many also like a token for their pocket, such as a paper heart with a love note or a pebble you found on the beach together, that they can hold for reassurance if they feel alone.
4. Help your child laugh out anxieties, not cry them out.
Giggling is your child’s way of venting anxiety and any child who is having a tough school adjustment is feeling anxious or fearful inside. Give them as many opportunities to giggle as possible. If you can spend some time every morning in play or whatever gets them giggling, you’ll find that their separation from you at school goes more smoothly. The exception to this is tickling since that seems to involve a different area of the brain and may even build up stress hormones. Instead, chase them around the house or have a pillow fight.
5. Be alert for signs about why your child is worried.
Most of the time, kids do fine after a few weeks. But occasionally, their unhappiness indicates a more serious issue; they’re being bullied, or can’t see the blackboard, or doesn’t understand anything and is afraid to speak up. Ask calm questions about their day, listen deeply and reflect on what they tell you so they’ll keep talking. Start conversations by reading books about school together; your librarian can help pick one out. If you sense a bigger issue that you can’t unearth, it’s time to call the teacher.
6. Create a calm household routine with early bedtimes and peaceful mornings.
Kids who aren’t well-rested often don’t have the internal resources to cope with the rigors of the school day. And get yourself to bed early too, so you can deal calmly with the morning rush and get everyone off to a happy start.
7. Facilitate your child’s bonding with the school and teacher.
Kids need to feel connected to an adult they think will keep them safe. So when they aren’t with their parents, they need to transfer their attachment focus to their teacher, or they’re too anxious to settle down and learn. If you notice that your child doesn’t feel good about school, contact the teacher immediately. Just explain that they don’t seem to have settled in yet and you hope the teacher can make a special effort to reach out to make them feel at home. You might ask the teacher to assign the child a special job, so your child feels connected and like they have a role to play each day.
The benefits of feeling comfortable with and connected to school isn’t limited to academics. Kids who have a bond or commitment to school are less likely to use drugs. Beginning in the late elementary grades (grades fourth through sixth), a lack of school bonding and academic failure increases the risk of both drug use and delinquency.
So stay alert and engaged and your child will be all the stronger for it.