De-stress the distress at start of school

On my first day of first grade, my Dad took me to school. I think at least part of the reason was that he and my mom felt I would respond obediently when he said, “Go take a seat.”

No such luck.

When we got to the classroom door, I koala beared myself to his leg, and despite Mrs. Sykes’ exhortations to come on in, I abjectly refused. (To me, she spoke in the voice of the spider telling the fly to come into the parlor.)

“Look,” Dad said. “There’s Sloan. Go sit by Sloan.” And Sloan was there alright, and an empty desk beside her. But on this day, even the quintessential girl next door could not entice me into that room.

Realizing the futility in the effort, Dad whirled around and Frankenstein walked back up the hallway with me tightly attached to his leg.

That was my first experience with belly-tingling distress.

While distress is an emotion, it has a direct impact on the body and can result in physical issues like an upset stomach, especially in children. The combination of emotional and physical adversity can wreak havoc on student achievement.

1. Listen to worries.

Rather than dismissing fears (“Nothing to be worried about! You’ll be fine!), listening to them and acknowledging your child’s feelings will help them feel more secure. You can bolster their confidence even more by helping them strategize about how to handle things they’re concerned about.

2. Facilitate bonding with the other kids.

Kids need to feel bonded with at least one other child. Ask the teacher if she’s noticed who your child is hanging with. Ask your child which kids she’d like to invite over to play or who his best friend was today.

3. Give your child a way to hold onto you during the day.

For many kids, the biggest challenge is saying goodbye to you. You might put a laminated picture of the family in their backpack. Many also like a token for their pocket, such as a paper heart with a love note, or a pebble you found on the beach together, that he can hold for reassurance if he feels alone.

4. Help your child laugh out anxieties, not cry them out.

Giggling is your child’s way of venting anxiety, and any child who is having a tough school adjustment is feeling anxious — fearful — inside. Give as many opportunities to giggle as possible. If you can spend some time every morning in play, or whatever gets the giggling going, you’ll find that the separation from you at school goes more smoothly. The exception to this is tickling, since that seems to involve a different area of the brain and may even build up stress hormones. Instead, chase your child(ren) around the house or have a pillow fight.

5. Be alert for signs about why your child is worried.

Most of the time, kids do fine after a few weeks. But occasionally, their unhappiness indicates a more serious issue: he’s being bullied, or can’t see the blackboard, or doesn’t understand anything and is afraid to speak up. Ask calm questions about his day, listen deeply, and reflect what he tells you so he’ll keep talking. Start conversations by reading books about school together; your librarian can help pick one out. If you sense a bigger issue that you can’t unearth, it’s time to call the teacher.

6. Create a calm household routine with early bedtimes and peaceful mornings.

Kids who aren’t well-rested often don’t have the internal resources to cope with the rigors of the school day. And get yourself to bed early too, so you can deal calmly with the morning rush and get everyone off to a happy start.

The benefits of feeling comfortable with and connected to school isn’t limited to academics. Kids who have a bond or commitment to school are less likely to use drugs. Beginning in the late elementary grades (Grades 4-6), a lack of school bonding and academic failure increases the risk of both drug use and delinquency.

So stay alert and engaged, and your child will be all the stronger for it.